Compliments of The Artidote

#WeatherReport

"these days, i feel like i've finally gotten close to understanding the meaning of this weird, sad feeling in my chest; the calm but slightly grey sky that, instead of bringing me peace — for it's as silent and safe as a sunday morning — disturbs me enormously. it's the void. a feeling of nothing, of being completely empty, like i'm slowly fading away, more and more each day that passes by.

for a while, after a long time dealing with that feeling, i had concluded that i wanted to die. just recently, though, i've found out that, actually, it's quite the opposite. i don't wish for death, for it's as calm and silent as the way i feel right now; i wish for life, as brilliant and crazy as it can be. i NEED to feel alive, i need to move, to dance, to scream, to experience. i've been dead for the longest time and now, more than anything, i want to come alive.

i've been kissing too many glasses and too little people. i've been having too much sleep and too little dreams. it's complicated, because i'm feeling tired and there's this part of me that keeps telling myself to stay in bed, to shut down, to give up, but still, there's so many things that i want and that i need to do. so many city lights i need to drive by. so many sunsets to watch. so many recipes to try. so many stories to hear. a thousand others to write. so many people to touch and to be touched by; and to love, love until i ache, feel it grow between my ribs, warm and tender, but also strong, stronger than anything i've ever seen. i want to love to the point it feels like i'm overflowing, exploding, burning like a star, brilliant and ferocious, until there's nothing left. yeah, that's my greatest wish.

for now, i know i'm not supposed to feel this cold, like the clouds aren't supposed to be as grey and slow as they are in the sky tonight. but one day i'll find the warmth i'm talking about; or better, i will become that warmth. there will be an explosion and i'll turn the grey into pink, then orange, then bright red. i just need to find out how. i just need to find the spark that will start this fire." 

—submitted anonymously to The Artidote 

It's a Learning Process

Dear Love,
I waited so long for someone like you to come along. Someone like you to make me laugh and smile uncontrollably. Someone to make me feel beautiful inside and out. I've waited for so long to be able to tell someone "I love you" and mean it. I'm sorry that sometimes I seem distant and disconnected. I'm sorry for not being able to take your compliments and be able to smile without covering my face. I'm sorry if I said "I love you" too early or if I speak of the future too soon. I'm sorry if I come off as over eager. I'm sorry if I speak on topics that are of no interest to you. I'm sorry for the scare we had. Just know that when I say "I love you", I mean it with all that I am. Sometimes I don't even feel like those three words are enough to truly express the way that I feel about you. Maybe that's not normal? Maybe I'm not normal? These are the thoughts that keep me up at night. The thoughts that rattle around in my brain and tug at my heart strings. These are the thoughts that I'd like to tell you without scaring you. I don't know how to do this, and I know that may seem odd to you. But please bear with me and I promise not to ask you if "I'm doing it right" every five seconds.
Love,
Someone who is learning how to be loved

Back to Square One

I lay in the darkness with my hand clenched tight. I lay in the darkness with my legs held tight. I wrap up in the warm blanket despite the 75 degree California "Autumn" weather. She's gone now. Off to follow dreams and spread her wings to be who we always knew she'd be. He's off in the trees achieving things we knew he'd achieve. And then there's me. Home from an adventure that ended abruptly due to the darkness we don't discuss... You remember? The sadness and such. But that's not me. I'm not her. That's the shit that only comes in the night. It creeps it's way in to tell you all the things you truly feel. Deep deep down. Because when you're over there putting their oxygen mask on as the plane is going down... You're the one that's dying. While you're cheering for their team and applauding their win, you're still on the bench begging coach to let you in.
So when? When is my time to shine? When can I break free of the bullshit that is keeping me down? I left one hell to enter another and yet here we are. Back to square one. What makes her happy? Why is she so ungrateful? Why is she still here? Maybe if we'd have gone through with it a while ago things would be different? But we don't think like that do we? No.  We would never

"Now Everbody's Dead"

I closed my eyes and I let the bass take over. I'd never heard this song before, but somehow it had this unbreakable hold on me. It was like a magnet. I had my hands held over my head and my eyes closed. I was vulnerable, and I was giving my whole self to them. Carissa and Chelsea were standing nearby, as were Max, Jenna,and Mark, but they weren't there. They were all in their heads. Living. Breathing. Absorbing each pounding and passionate note. When it ended and the screams began, I opened my eyes and cheered. My trance was over.

The next time it happened, I was sharing earphones with Carissa. Her legs were draped lazily over mine as we traveled home from heaven. We both took in sharp breaths to prepare ourselves. As the set list began, we each relived our experience. My heart thundered and struggled. My throat was constricting to hold back tears. Not here. Not now. I pleaded with myself. Then the song came on, and we looked at each other. At that very moment, it was settled. This song had some type of magic linked to it.

A week later, I was walking from college. It was any normal day, and I had my earphones in. I was still having post-concert depression. My earphones were plunged in my eardrums, my phone on shuffle. I walked, not really aware of my surroundings or the familiar song playing. I saw Carissa, and waved. We were alike in the sense that we didn't feel the need to over-exaggerate our greetings to one another. I was a few paces away from her when the song started. First it was the faint beat that I recognized. It brought quick and sudden flashes with it: Carissa beaming from ear to ear, dancing stupidly with Max, Mark's unforgettable scowl, running through the streets, the bone-chilling cold, the euphoria, the freedom, the kiss, the hug, the flash, the pier, the bridge, life, Freedom. I clenched my chest, feeling my heart beat feverishly. I knew my eyes were bugging and my breath was becoming ragged. A disgusting sob tore through me, and I knew the tears started flowing. I was on my knees at this point, under the song's spell. The memories were too quick, to strong, and too distinct. I knew I looked like a fool, I tried to pull myself together. I got up wordlessly, and walked. Numb. One foot in front of the other. I got to the school and splashed water on my face in the bathroom. I could get through this. Don't let them see you. So weak. So broken. 

I'm sure there were many other instances, but another one I remember was the train ride. Carissa and I were on the metro. The car swayed peacefully, and she and I were reliving our relaxing day at the beach. My earphones were in, and I was listening to a random playlist. Then, without warning, it played. The tears pricked my eyes just as quickly as the song started. She must have caught a glimpse of my face because she asked if I was okay, Her voice sounded miles away. I didn't know how to answer, so I just nodded. "Are you crying?" She asked.

We were standing outside, it was crowded and hot as hell. The irritation was already very prominent in both of our guts. That's when I heard it. The electric guitar. I cocked my head toward the stage in disbelief. "No. They can't do this!" I almost screamed to Carissa. I felt my heart break into a million pieces. I had to leave. I HATED him for that. Pure shock, anger, disbelief and more than anything, pain shot through me. That was a sacred song, and now it was being played like some hot record. I didn't know what to do. I just walked away, fighting the tears and ignoring the stares.

And after a week has passed, after doing so well... It happened again. Tonight, I can hear the intro to the empty arena version of the song...my song. And I'm sure you know what'll happen next...

Sweet Tea Wednesday

So, it's been a while since i've posted, but i've been living in my head. Today was Sweet Tea Wednesday, and Carissa and I spent it at her grandmother's. The day started off kind of crappy, I had a migraine and cramps. I knew the second that I walked into school that I couldn't be there. The bright lights, the people, the scent, just the though of knowing that I had to plaster a smile on my face and repeat the words "I'm okay" all day gave me the chills. Luckily, Carissa was by my side and we walked over to the college together. I wasn't expecting to tell her most of the things that I did, but it felt nice knowing that she was there. It's hard for me to express myself because i've never been allowed to. Talking to her today was nice, but it brought back a lot of emotions and memories that I know I buried for a reason. Sometimes I get scared that they will kill me one day. I finally decided to muster up the courage to call a counselor, so we shall see how that goes. I am hoping that I can get over these demons, and that I don't lose anyone in the process. Some things are just better left unsaid, hopefully things don't change between us because honestly? we've barely even scraped the surface.
When we reached Grandma Donna's, we went upstairs and watched Youtube videos and looked through old photo albums. It makes me happy to have those memories shared with me and to feel so welcome. When we got downstairs we ate and watched TV. The whole morning and afternoon was just relaxing and nothing felt forced. I didn't have to be someone that I'm not. When we left, we got our sweet tea and I came home. It's good to know that days like these exist.

Time

Time... Such a beautiful obstacle. While many of us fall victim to time's merciless clutches, others grab time by the balls and teach it who's boss. I love time, but I hate it. This might be my last semester with a lot of people that I've grown to care for. This is my last semester at JFK. No more free periods, spontaneous adventures, or even "personal days". I'll admit, I'll miss it like crazy, but everything happens for a reason. This November, college applications are due. This time next year I'll know my fate, and I'll be ready to start a life all on my own. Even though I may never know who will be in my life at that time, I do know that I've tried to soak up and devour every good(and bad) moment I've had with the ones I hold near and dear. Love. Don't. Die.
~30th post

Five Words

Yesterday, I felt like my body was being run over by a steam roller and my throat felt like fire ants were running through it. My kidneys were hurting and my muscles felt tense. When I got home from school, my body was still throbbing and my head felt like it was on the verge of exploding. I walked to my room and rinsed my face. I felt myself cough, and I saw blood in the sink. I walked to my moms room and I heard myself tell her that I didn't feel well. She asked for my symptoms, and told me to go take Motrin. When I got to the medicine cabinet, my hand hovered over the Motrin. Instead of taking that, I grabbed 2 muscle relaxers. I threw my phone on the nightstand and waited for the drugs to kick in. I looked over to the clock and it glowed 6:30. My parents were watching "Dateline" from the couch. I was half listening to the case, but I knew that the one being convicted was innocent. What a waste. After a while, my eyelids were getting heavy, and I felt my body slip away. Is this what death feels like? I didn't feel myself dream. All I could feel was darkness and silence. It felt so good, euphoric. I was in my happy place. By the end, I had to will myself to wake up. I had to open my eyes dammit. I was fighting myself because this amazing darkness just felt so good! When I opened my eyes, the clock glowed 11:36. I had slept 17 hours! When I grabbed my phone, I saw a lot of notifications: missed calls, snapchats, texts, Pinterest alerts. I opened a text and I read the five words on the screen: I feel like giving up. I felt the exact same way. I didn't know how to reply and I felt like absolute crap because I didn't know how to help. I've thought those five words before, and even at that moment I heard them echo through my mind...

Only Human

So, I just got off of the phone with my grandmother. We spoke for 2 hours! There were no pauses, and we even caught ourselves talking over each other at moments. That woman, she has so much love inside of her that it just bubbles out and envelops it's victims in big embraces of happiness and joy. I can't help but have a smile on my face when I talk to her. Of course we disagree on some things and she gets on my nerves but she can't help it. She's only human! It just makes me cry sometimes that I love her so much. She makes me happy, and gives me hope. She told me that it's going to okay. And that I have a wonderful life ahead of me because I'm getting rid of all of the bad things right now. She's the one that taught me to give things to God and to not pester him. God knows, he has perfect timing. He may not be there when you want Him, but He always watches out for us. She told me that I don't have to hide my tears, and that what I'm going through right now is all a test that prepares me for the life that's ahead of me. My happy tears are just flowing because I've missed her so. I really wish we could see each other more often, but I needed this. I needed this nice long talk to bring me back to life. To show me that I'm still here, whether I want to be or not. I'm here, but I'm not here to exist. I am here to live. I'm here to be what my grandma is for me for someone else. Even though I get temperamental and hormonal, I only mean the best not realizing that I'm not superman. I can't help everyone(especially those who don't want it). But in the words of RuPaul and maybe some other great person before him..."if you can't love yourself, how the hell are you gonna love someone else!?" After all... We are all only human.

Cameo Appearance

So... I'm lying here in bed. My mind is everywhere and nowhere at the same time. The silence is so loud that I can barely hear myself think. I swear I can hear the blood rushing through my veins. Where do I start? Other than the fact that things are finally starting to fall into place... I'm starting to wonder where that place is. Here? There? Nowhere? With him? With Him? Each time I close my eyes I see things. Flashes. Rushes of light and visions and dreams. I'm not ready to see them. I'm not ready to face me. The soft snores and my heartbeat are my lullaby. One blink... Two blinks.... Three blinks.
I'm walking down the sidewalk and I'm holding his hand. I look up and smile at him he sticks his tongue out at me and I laugh. His green eyes twinkle when they meet mine. It takes everything in me not to cry... How did I get so lucky? I push him gently to end our moment, he laughs and points towards our favorite Ice cream shop. I squeal in delight. "Race ya!?" He yells as he takes off. Cheater. I take off after him and gasp for air when I reach the door. He's laughing as he orders our usual. I go and grab a sunny table by the window and watch people as they pass by..thinking. Finally a cup of ice cream lands in front of me. His long tanned arm brushes against my shoulder and I look at him as he pushes his ice cream around nervously. "What's wrong?" I ask. "Nothing I just... Well.. I don't know how to say this but I just want to be friends"  He mutters.  I look up to see if he is lying or joking, but he's not. I nod, silently stand up, and leave. Leaving my ice cream to melt along with the love that I thought we shared. I can't let him see me cry. I walk past the window and I see him with his head in his hands. Damn... Why do these things always happen to me? I decide to take the long way home to clear me head. When I reach the apartment building I see a figure leaned against the door. Broken. I know it's him.. But why? He broke up with me. I try to walk past without making eye contact, but he grabs my arm. "You think I wanted this? I love you. I want to be with you for the rest of my life. I want to wake up every morning and see you! I want to bring you chicken noodle soup when you're sick and see the crinkle in between your eyebrows when you're mad. I just want you! But.. I'm scared." he cries.
"Scared of what? I won't hurt you. I want those things too, but they can't happen if we don't try!" I yell at him. He pulls me into an embrace. I pull back to look him in the eyes, just as our lips are about to collide I open my eyes to find myself in my bed... In my room. Just a dream. Psh. How could I have possibly believed that I'd found love? Must've been someone else's life and I was just tuning in... Like I always do. I'm a cameo appearance in everyone else's lives. Great.

If the shoe fits...

Okay, let me start off by saying Happy New Year. Why do we say "Happy" New Year when people are constantly striving to change things and perfect imperfections? What is so happy about trying to change who we are? Why is it called "New Year" when everyone is stuck on stupid and making the same mistakes that they promise themselves they'll never make? I'm done with it. I have 11 months until I am 18, and I am counting the days. "Don't let it bother you" "You're being too sensitive" " You know how he is". These are the answers that my mom gives me when I try to open myself to her, to show her the real me. People wonder why I am the way that I am, and here it is. The raw and brutally honest truth. A child absorbs and sucks up every lesson, every experience that they've ever had, and it follows them for the rest of their lives. It molds them into the person that they are. Can you blame the prostitute that sells her body on the street corner if that's all she knows? All she feels is dirty and worthless, used and abused? Can you blame the man that beats his wife if that's what he came home from school to? If that's what he heard every night as he squeezed his little face into the pillow to muffle the sound? Can you blame the angry teenager that tries to hard to be accepted at school when all her life she was being pushed away by the people who were supposed to love her the most?
Today was a good day, no scratch that. It was freaking fabulous. I had a grin from ear to ear, just to be alive and talking to the people that make me happy. It is 7:52 PM, I am listening to this amazing mashup playlist on 8tracks, and stretching when I hear my name being screamed angrily.
"Yes Dad?" I call.
I approach the room, and knock hesitantly.
"Where were you? " he growls.
"In my room, listening to music"
Mind you, the TV is on full blast, so I can barely hear him.
"Why didn't you hear me call you?"
"I'm sorry Dad"
"It's because you weren't listening" he spits his words at me, as if I am nothing. As if I am a servant that is expected to jump at every sound. "Take your brother, and keep him out of my room".
I walk away with Isaiah, the tears are stinging and I know I am about to lose it. I ball my fists angrily and punch the wall
Ouch
It's not his fault, he didn't choose this life. All he wants is to be loved, so that is what I do. I recover, I kiss his cheek, and I turn on his cartoons. I leave the room and immediately come to my room. My head is spinning. I type in the words: blogger.com. And here I am: All of me. All I can give.
"He has good intention" my mom defends.
I don't know what to do with myself. He may have "good intentions", but he sure as hell has a funny way of showing it. I'm not calling him a monster... but hey?
If the shoe fits.....

My First

You know how people say when you are dying, your life flashes before your eyes? Well, I don't think I'm dying or anything, but with all the crap that's been going on I welcome death. I had a dream the other night. He was in it. I haven't had thoughts about him since August. We were older. And I looked so happy. It wasn't a fake happy, but a genuine euphoria to be alive, and with the man I love. I don't know why I can't get over him. I don't know why he's still on my mind... But maybe I don't want him to go? He gives me hope. Hope that one day I'll know those feelings of euphoria.
Love,
Confusion. Exhaustion. Drugs. Sadness. Loss

Confidence

You're so confident in the way you walk and the way you talk. You're so sure of yourself. You don't let anything phase you. I'm just a broken child. I can put on a smile and accept your compliments politely but I'll still be sitting here, plain ole boring ole me. I miss the way I used to be. Happy and carefree. Or is it as you said? Ignorance is bliss. I sure hope so. Can I just be you for a day? You jump out of your skin and I jump in. I want to be someone else. Escape "her" for a day. Maybe I'll be happy? What do you say?

Four words

All. Hope. Is. Lost.

Stripy tights and tutus

Have you ever gotten up in the morning and felt this extreme flood of happiness? Well I have, and I did this morning. I'm so excited for the Journey tribute tonight, it's Friday, I cut a Mickey Mouse shirt and I LOVE it !! And I don't know, maybe it just one of those days that you have convinced yourself that nothing will get you down! I don't know how long this will last, but honestly? I don't care!! I found the perfect playlist, some pink lipstick,  I have my my beanie on and my earphones in. I'm ready to take on this Friday so who's with me!?
Love,
my unknown reasons for being happy, but i dont care because this is rare and i also doesn't know who i am talking to but i also don't  care

Lost

I can't tell if I'm happy. Nothing bad happened. No one did anything to me, but I keep getting these waves of unhappiness that come of as anger. I can't handle my emotions right now and it's really bothersome. This morning I woke up feeling lost. Almost as if someone else was living my life without me. I had a dream last night, but I can't remember what it was. I know it was important because I've felt empty all day. I know that my dream could have even been a vision. Possibly even a message from God? I can feel myself changing day to day, but I'm not sure i like the person I'm becoming. Since starting JFK, I've noticed that I've had to bite my tongue a lot and sometimes even be fake to make friends, but is that who I want I to be? Who am I trying to impress? What am I doing? Why should it matter who I talk to? Honestly as long as I've got my best friend by my side, I'm good. Why am I all of a sudden questioning things that I've so frequently overlooked in the past? This is bothering me

Love, 

My broken internal compass

Goodbye Summer!!

Goodbye summer! It's been grand! From saving lives in Boston to livin it up with my best friend, this summer has been great! It's obviously had its ups and downs, but that's expected right? Tomorrow I start at a new school!! I'm so anxious that I can't even sleep, it's ridiculous. I'm just happy I'll have my hero by my side! I know we will kick butt this year and I can't wait. I won't make this too long because I should be getting to bed, but I just want to take this time to thank my best friend for telling me about this opportunity, thank my parents for allowing it, and thank God for giving me the ability to make my dreams come true. Until next time!!!
Love,
My first day of school jitters

Clarification

Okay y'all, yesterday something was said that really hit a nerve with me. So this year I am changing schools, I'm leaving behind people that I've known as long as 6 years! I'm leaving this school because I feel that I could be more successful somewhere else. Im not leaving to follow my best friend and I'm not leaving because I hate the school. I'm a big girl and I make big girl decisions so that I can get to where I want and be successful In life. I love my best friend! She means a lot to me, but I don't make decisions for her, and she doesn't make decisions for me. That's all!
Love,
My frustrations

Shunned

Today has been pretty crappy to say the least. I yelled at my mom today. Here's why: My family like shunned my grandmas sister for all this psychotic crap that she's done that I don't know about nor do I want to know. But I just remember her always taking care of me and truly loving me. And she wants to see me and I want to see her and my mom keeps giving me reasons why I can't and I just literally snapped and talked back to my mom for the first time !
Mom: do you even know what she did? To grandma grandpa dad and me?
Me: no and I don't want to know!
Mom: so you don't care?
Me: mom it's not that I don't care. I just don't want to know because it'll ruin my image of her
Mom: and what is that image?
Me: SOMEONE THAT ACTUALLY LOVED ME SO CAN WE DROP IT?!
Mom: fine, I won't tell you
I'm having bad thoughts that I can't come to terms with. Wouldn't you like to know my bad thought

Last Week

Last week, I took my brother to the water park and he had a BLAST!
Last week, I went to the movies with my best friend, we climbed trees, and we had an amazing time.
Last week, I made pants and a skirt from a bed sheet.
Last week, I met a new cousin from Nigeria.
Last week, I re-connected with someone that I once called my best friend. We talked for hours in my front yard and we laughed and reminisced. We are close again.
Last week, I re-connected with someone else that I once called my best friend, and that ended in tears.
Last week, I fell out of love. My heart was ripped from my chest and I realized how little I am worth to some people.
Last week, I lost someone that was very close to my family. She lived 2 doors from my grandparents for almost 30 years. And now she is gone.( RIP Grandma)
Last week, the world lost 2 influential public figures. ( RIP Cory Monteith, RIP Talia Castellano)
Last week, I cried for hours in my room until I couldn't cry any longer.
Last week, I realized who is truly there for me when I need them.
Last week, I made a new friend.
Last week, someone unexpected told me that they might be in love with me.
Saturday, I attended a 50th wedding anniversary. That gave me hope that true love exists.
Also on Saturday, my dad and cousin got into a a car accident. Their vehicle flipped 6 times, and the police officer said it was a miracle that they walked away with a few bumps and bruises.
Yesterday, my cousin celebrated her 15th birthday.
Today, my period is 6 days late, I've thrown up once so far, I'm in pain, I'm numb, and I want to die.
Love,
This emotional roller coaster that I call life

Genuine Happiness

Yesterday was an amazing day. Being with my best friend always makes me happy! We just GET each other. Friendships like this are very rare, but I'm happy I've got one. I love our crazy freak out moments, climbing trees, partying In the backseat of cars, teasing strangers, stalking boys, and everything in between!!! Even though my summer has been pretty rough so far, I know my best friend is here to help me through it and I love her to death for it!!

Love always, 

Happy me ! :)