Sweet Tea Wednesday

So, it's been a while since i've posted, but i've been living in my head. Today was Sweet Tea Wednesday, and Carissa and I spent it at her grandmother's. The day started off kind of crappy, I had a migraine and cramps. I knew the second that I walked into school that I couldn't be there. The bright lights, the people, the scent, just the though of knowing that I had to plaster a smile on my face and repeat the words "I'm okay" all day gave me the chills. Luckily, Carissa was by my side and we walked over to the college together. I wasn't expecting to tell her most of the things that I did, but it felt nice knowing that she was there. It's hard for me to express myself because i've never been allowed to. Talking to her today was nice, but it brought back a lot of emotions and memories that I know I buried for a reason. Sometimes I get scared that they will kill me one day. I finally decided to muster up the courage to call a counselor, so we shall see how that goes. I am hoping that I can get over these demons, and that I don't lose anyone in the process. Some things are just better left unsaid, hopefully things don't change between us because honestly? we've barely even scraped the surface.
When we reached Grandma Donna's, we went upstairs and watched Youtube videos and looked through old photo albums. It makes me happy to have those memories shared with me and to feel so welcome. When we got downstairs we ate and watched TV. The whole morning and afternoon was just relaxing and nothing felt forced. I didn't have to be someone that I'm not. When we left, we got our sweet tea and I came home. It's good to know that days like these exist.

Time

Time... Such a beautiful obstacle. While many of us fall victim to time's merciless clutches, others grab time by the balls and teach it who's boss. I love time, but I hate it. This might be my last semester with a lot of people that I've grown to care for. This is my last semester at JFK. No more free periods, spontaneous adventures, or even "personal days". I'll admit, I'll miss it like crazy, but everything happens for a reason. This November, college applications are due. This time next year I'll know my fate, and I'll be ready to start a life all on my own. Even though I may never know who will be in my life at that time, I do know that I've tried to soak up and devour every good(and bad) moment I've had with the ones I hold near and dear. Love. Don't. Die.
~30th post

Five Words

Yesterday, I felt like my body was being run over by a steam roller and my throat felt like fire ants were running through it. My kidneys were hurting and my muscles felt tense. When I got home from school, my body was still throbbing and my head felt like it was on the verge of exploding. I walked to my room and rinsed my face. I felt myself cough, and I saw blood in the sink. I walked to my moms room and I heard myself tell her that I didn't feel well. She asked for my symptoms, and told me to go take Motrin. When I got to the medicine cabinet, my hand hovered over the Motrin. Instead of taking that, I grabbed 2 muscle relaxers. I threw my phone on the nightstand and waited for the drugs to kick in. I looked over to the clock and it glowed 6:30. My parents were watching "Dateline" from the couch. I was half listening to the case, but I knew that the one being convicted was innocent. What a waste. After a while, my eyelids were getting heavy, and I felt my body slip away. Is this what death feels like? I didn't feel myself dream. All I could feel was darkness and silence. It felt so good, euphoric. I was in my happy place. By the end, I had to will myself to wake up. I had to open my eyes dammit. I was fighting myself because this amazing darkness just felt so good! When I opened my eyes, the clock glowed 11:36. I had slept 17 hours! When I grabbed my phone, I saw a lot of notifications: missed calls, snapchats, texts, Pinterest alerts. I opened a text and I read the five words on the screen: I feel like giving up. I felt the exact same way. I didn't know how to reply and I felt like absolute crap because I didn't know how to help. I've thought those five words before, and even at that moment I heard them echo through my mind...

Only Human

So, I just got off of the phone with my grandmother. We spoke for 2 hours! There were no pauses, and we even caught ourselves talking over each other at moments. That woman, she has so much love inside of her that it just bubbles out and envelops it's victims in big embraces of happiness and joy. I can't help but have a smile on my face when I talk to her. Of course we disagree on some things and she gets on my nerves but she can't help it. She's only human! It just makes me cry sometimes that I love her so much. She makes me happy, and gives me hope. She told me that it's going to okay. And that I have a wonderful life ahead of me because I'm getting rid of all of the bad things right now. She's the one that taught me to give things to God and to not pester him. God knows, he has perfect timing. He may not be there when you want Him, but He always watches out for us. She told me that I don't have to hide my tears, and that what I'm going through right now is all a test that prepares me for the life that's ahead of me. My happy tears are just flowing because I've missed her so. I really wish we could see each other more often, but I needed this. I needed this nice long talk to bring me back to life. To show me that I'm still here, whether I want to be or not. I'm here, but I'm not here to exist. I am here to live. I'm here to be what my grandma is for me for someone else. Even though I get temperamental and hormonal, I only mean the best not realizing that I'm not superman. I can't help everyone(especially those who don't want it). But in the words of RuPaul and maybe some other great person before him..."if you can't love yourself, how the hell are you gonna love someone else!?" After all... We are all only human.

Cameo Appearance

So... I'm lying here in bed. My mind is everywhere and nowhere at the same time. The silence is so loud that I can barely hear myself think. I swear I can hear the blood rushing through my veins. Where do I start? Other than the fact that things are finally starting to fall into place... I'm starting to wonder where that place is. Here? There? Nowhere? With him? With Him? Each time I close my eyes I see things. Flashes. Rushes of light and visions and dreams. I'm not ready to see them. I'm not ready to face me. The soft snores and my heartbeat are my lullaby. One blink... Two blinks.... Three blinks.
I'm walking down the sidewalk and I'm holding his hand. I look up and smile at him he sticks his tongue out at me and I laugh. His green eyes twinkle when they meet mine. It takes everything in me not to cry... How did I get so lucky? I push him gently to end our moment, he laughs and points towards our favorite Ice cream shop. I squeal in delight. "Race ya!?" He yells as he takes off. Cheater. I take off after him and gasp for air when I reach the door. He's laughing as he orders our usual. I go and grab a sunny table by the window and watch people as they pass by..thinking. Finally a cup of ice cream lands in front of me. His long tanned arm brushes against my shoulder and I look at him as he pushes his ice cream around nervously. "What's wrong?" I ask. "Nothing I just... Well.. I don't know how to say this but I just want to be friends"  He mutters.  I look up to see if he is lying or joking, but he's not. I nod, silently stand up, and leave. Leaving my ice cream to melt along with the love that I thought we shared. I can't let him see me cry. I walk past the window and I see him with his head in his hands. Damn... Why do these things always happen to me? I decide to take the long way home to clear me head. When I reach the apartment building I see a figure leaned against the door. Broken. I know it's him.. But why? He broke up with me. I try to walk past without making eye contact, but he grabs my arm. "You think I wanted this? I love you. I want to be with you for the rest of my life. I want to wake up every morning and see you! I want to bring you chicken noodle soup when you're sick and see the crinkle in between your eyebrows when you're mad. I just want you! But.. I'm scared." he cries.
"Scared of what? I won't hurt you. I want those things too, but they can't happen if we don't try!" I yell at him. He pulls me into an embrace. I pull back to look him in the eyes, just as our lips are about to collide I open my eyes to find myself in my bed... In my room. Just a dream. Psh. How could I have possibly believed that I'd found love? Must've been someone else's life and I was just tuning in... Like I always do. I'm a cameo appearance in everyone else's lives. Great.

If the shoe fits...

Okay, let me start off by saying Happy New Year. Why do we say "Happy" New Year when people are constantly striving to change things and perfect imperfections? What is so happy about trying to change who we are? Why is it called "New Year" when everyone is stuck on stupid and making the same mistakes that they promise themselves they'll never make? I'm done with it. I have 11 months until I am 18, and I am counting the days. "Don't let it bother you" "You're being too sensitive" " You know how he is". These are the answers that my mom gives me when I try to open myself to her, to show her the real me. People wonder why I am the way that I am, and here it is. The raw and brutally honest truth. A child absorbs and sucks up every lesson, every experience that they've ever had, and it follows them for the rest of their lives. It molds them into the person that they are. Can you blame the prostitute that sells her body on the street corner if that's all she knows? All she feels is dirty and worthless, used and abused? Can you blame the man that beats his wife if that's what he came home from school to? If that's what he heard every night as he squeezed his little face into the pillow to muffle the sound? Can you blame the angry teenager that tries to hard to be accepted at school when all her life she was being pushed away by the people who were supposed to love her the most?
Today was a good day, no scratch that. It was freaking fabulous. I had a grin from ear to ear, just to be alive and talking to the people that make me happy. It is 7:52 PM, I am listening to this amazing mashup playlist on 8tracks, and stretching when I hear my name being screamed angrily.
"Yes Dad?" I call.
I approach the room, and knock hesitantly.
"Where were you? " he growls.
"In my room, listening to music"
Mind you, the TV is on full blast, so I can barely hear him.
"Why didn't you hear me call you?"
"I'm sorry Dad"
"It's because you weren't listening" he spits his words at me, as if I am nothing. As if I am a servant that is expected to jump at every sound. "Take your brother, and keep him out of my room".
I walk away with Isaiah, the tears are stinging and I know I am about to lose it. I ball my fists angrily and punch the wall
Ouch
It's not his fault, he didn't choose this life. All he wants is to be loved, so that is what I do. I recover, I kiss his cheek, and I turn on his cartoons. I leave the room and immediately come to my room. My head is spinning. I type in the words: blogger.com. And here I am: All of me. All I can give.
"He has good intention" my mom defends.
I don't know what to do with myself. He may have "good intentions", but he sure as hell has a funny way of showing it. I'm not calling him a monster... but hey?
If the shoe fits.....

My First

You know how people say when you are dying, your life flashes before your eyes? Well, I don't think I'm dying or anything, but with all the crap that's been going on I welcome death. I had a dream the other night. He was in it. I haven't had thoughts about him since August. We were older. And I looked so happy. It wasn't a fake happy, but a genuine euphoria to be alive, and with the man I love. I don't know why I can't get over him. I don't know why he's still on my mind... But maybe I don't want him to go? He gives me hope. Hope that one day I'll know those feelings of euphoria.
Love,
Confusion. Exhaustion. Drugs. Sadness. Loss