Compliments of The Artidote

#WeatherReport

"these days, i feel like i've finally gotten close to understanding the meaning of this weird, sad feeling in my chest; the calm but slightly grey sky that, instead of bringing me peace — for it's as silent and safe as a sunday morning — disturbs me enormously. it's the void. a feeling of nothing, of being completely empty, like i'm slowly fading away, more and more each day that passes by.

for a while, after a long time dealing with that feeling, i had concluded that i wanted to die. just recently, though, i've found out that, actually, it's quite the opposite. i don't wish for death, for it's as calm and silent as the way i feel right now; i wish for life, as brilliant and crazy as it can be. i NEED to feel alive, i need to move, to dance, to scream, to experience. i've been dead for the longest time and now, more than anything, i want to come alive.

i've been kissing too many glasses and too little people. i've been having too much sleep and too little dreams. it's complicated, because i'm feeling tired and there's this part of me that keeps telling myself to stay in bed, to shut down, to give up, but still, there's so many things that i want and that i need to do. so many city lights i need to drive by. so many sunsets to watch. so many recipes to try. so many stories to hear. a thousand others to write. so many people to touch and to be touched by; and to love, love until i ache, feel it grow between my ribs, warm and tender, but also strong, stronger than anything i've ever seen. i want to love to the point it feels like i'm overflowing, exploding, burning like a star, brilliant and ferocious, until there's nothing left. yeah, that's my greatest wish.

for now, i know i'm not supposed to feel this cold, like the clouds aren't supposed to be as grey and slow as they are in the sky tonight. but one day i'll find the warmth i'm talking about; or better, i will become that warmth. there will be an explosion and i'll turn the grey into pink, then orange, then bright red. i just need to find out how. i just need to find the spark that will start this fire." 

—submitted anonymously to The Artidote 

It's a Learning Process

Dear Love,
I waited so long for someone like you to come along. Someone like you to make me laugh and smile uncontrollably. Someone to make me feel beautiful inside and out. I've waited for so long to be able to tell someone "I love you" and mean it. I'm sorry that sometimes I seem distant and disconnected. I'm sorry for not being able to take your compliments and be able to smile without covering my face. I'm sorry if I said "I love you" too early or if I speak of the future too soon. I'm sorry if I come off as over eager. I'm sorry if I speak on topics that are of no interest to you. I'm sorry for the scare we had. Just know that when I say "I love you", I mean it with all that I am. Sometimes I don't even feel like those three words are enough to truly express the way that I feel about you. Maybe that's not normal? Maybe I'm not normal? These are the thoughts that keep me up at night. The thoughts that rattle around in my brain and tug at my heart strings. These are the thoughts that I'd like to tell you without scaring you. I don't know how to do this, and I know that may seem odd to you. But please bear with me and I promise not to ask you if "I'm doing it right" every five seconds.
Love,
Someone who is learning how to be loved

Back to Square One

I lay in the darkness with my hand clenched tight. I lay in the darkness with my legs held tight. I wrap up in the warm blanket despite the 75 degree California "Autumn" weather. She's gone now. Off to follow dreams and spread her wings to be who we always knew she'd be. He's off in the trees achieving things we knew he'd achieve. And then there's me. Home from an adventure that ended abruptly due to the darkness we don't discuss... You remember? The sadness and such. But that's not me. I'm not her. That's the shit that only comes in the night. It creeps it's way in to tell you all the things you truly feel. Deep deep down. Because when you're over there putting their oxygen mask on as the plane is going down... You're the one that's dying. While you're cheering for their team and applauding their win, you're still on the bench begging coach to let you in.
So when? When is my time to shine? When can I break free of the bullshit that is keeping me down? I left one hell to enter another and yet here we are. Back to square one. What makes her happy? Why is she so ungrateful? Why is she still here? Maybe if we'd have gone through with it a while ago things would be different? But we don't think like that do we? No.  We would never