Compliments of The Artidote

#WeatherReport

"these days, i feel like i've finally gotten close to understanding the meaning of this weird, sad feeling in my chest; the calm but slightly grey sky that, instead of bringing me peace — for it's as silent and safe as a sunday morning — disturbs me enormously. it's the void. a feeling of nothing, of being completely empty, like i'm slowly fading away, more and more each day that passes by.

for a while, after a long time dealing with that feeling, i had concluded that i wanted to die. just recently, though, i've found out that, actually, it's quite the opposite. i don't wish for death, for it's as calm and silent as the way i feel right now; i wish for life, as brilliant and crazy as it can be. i NEED to feel alive, i need to move, to dance, to scream, to experience. i've been dead for the longest time and now, more than anything, i want to come alive.

i've been kissing too many glasses and too little people. i've been having too much sleep and too little dreams. it's complicated, because i'm feeling tired and there's this part of me that keeps telling myself to stay in bed, to shut down, to give up, but still, there's so many things that i want and that i need to do. so many city lights i need to drive by. so many sunsets to watch. so many recipes to try. so many stories to hear. a thousand others to write. so many people to touch and to be touched by; and to love, love until i ache, feel it grow between my ribs, warm and tender, but also strong, stronger than anything i've ever seen. i want to love to the point it feels like i'm overflowing, exploding, burning like a star, brilliant and ferocious, until there's nothing left. yeah, that's my greatest wish.

for now, i know i'm not supposed to feel this cold, like the clouds aren't supposed to be as grey and slow as they are in the sky tonight. but one day i'll find the warmth i'm talking about; or better, i will become that warmth. there will be an explosion and i'll turn the grey into pink, then orange, then bright red. i just need to find out how. i just need to find the spark that will start this fire." 

—submitted anonymously to The Artidote 

It's a Learning Process

Dear Love,
I waited so long for someone like you to come along. Someone like you to make me laugh and smile uncontrollably. Someone to make me feel beautiful inside and out. I've waited for so long to be able to tell someone "I love you" and mean it. I'm sorry that sometimes I seem distant and disconnected. I'm sorry for not being able to take your compliments and be able to smile without covering my face. I'm sorry if I said "I love you" too early or if I speak of the future too soon. I'm sorry if I come off as over eager. I'm sorry if I speak on topics that are of no interest to you. I'm sorry for the scare we had. Just know that when I say "I love you", I mean it with all that I am. Sometimes I don't even feel like those three words are enough to truly express the way that I feel about you. Maybe that's not normal? Maybe I'm not normal? These are the thoughts that keep me up at night. The thoughts that rattle around in my brain and tug at my heart strings. These are the thoughts that I'd like to tell you without scaring you. I don't know how to do this, and I know that may seem odd to you. But please bear with me and I promise not to ask you if "I'm doing it right" every five seconds.
Love,
Someone who is learning how to be loved

Back to Square One

I lay in the darkness with my hand clenched tight. I lay in the darkness with my legs held tight. I wrap up in the warm blanket despite the 75 degree California "Autumn" weather. She's gone now. Off to follow dreams and spread her wings to be who we always knew she'd be. He's off in the trees achieving things we knew he'd achieve. And then there's me. Home from an adventure that ended abruptly due to the darkness we don't discuss... You remember? The sadness and such. But that's not me. I'm not her. That's the shit that only comes in the night. It creeps it's way in to tell you all the things you truly feel. Deep deep down. Because when you're over there putting their oxygen mask on as the plane is going down... You're the one that's dying. While you're cheering for their team and applauding their win, you're still on the bench begging coach to let you in.
So when? When is my time to shine? When can I break free of the bullshit that is keeping me down? I left one hell to enter another and yet here we are. Back to square one. What makes her happy? Why is she so ungrateful? Why is she still here? Maybe if we'd have gone through with it a while ago things would be different? But we don't think like that do we? No.  We would never

"Now Everbody's Dead"

I closed my eyes and I let the bass take over. I'd never heard this song before, but somehow it had this unbreakable hold on me. It was like a magnet. I had my hands held over my head and my eyes closed. I was vulnerable, and I was giving my whole self to them. Carissa and Chelsea were standing nearby, as were Max, Jenna,and Mark, but they weren't there. They were all in their heads. Living. Breathing. Absorbing each pounding and passionate note. When it ended and the screams began, I opened my eyes and cheered. My trance was over.

The next time it happened, I was sharing earphones with Carissa. Her legs were draped lazily over mine as we traveled home from heaven. We both took in sharp breaths to prepare ourselves. As the set list began, we each relived our experience. My heart thundered and struggled. My throat was constricting to hold back tears. Not here. Not now. I pleaded with myself. Then the song came on, and we looked at each other. At that very moment, it was settled. This song had some type of magic linked to it.

A week later, I was walking from college. It was any normal day, and I had my earphones in. I was still having post-concert depression. My earphones were plunged in my eardrums, my phone on shuffle. I walked, not really aware of my surroundings or the familiar song playing. I saw Carissa, and waved. We were alike in the sense that we didn't feel the need to over-exaggerate our greetings to one another. I was a few paces away from her when the song started. First it was the faint beat that I recognized. It brought quick and sudden flashes with it: Carissa beaming from ear to ear, dancing stupidly with Max, Mark's unforgettable scowl, running through the streets, the bone-chilling cold, the euphoria, the freedom, the kiss, the hug, the flash, the pier, the bridge, life, Freedom. I clenched my chest, feeling my heart beat feverishly. I knew my eyes were bugging and my breath was becoming ragged. A disgusting sob tore through me, and I knew the tears started flowing. I was on my knees at this point, under the song's spell. The memories were too quick, to strong, and too distinct. I knew I looked like a fool, I tried to pull myself together. I got up wordlessly, and walked. Numb. One foot in front of the other. I got to the school and splashed water on my face in the bathroom. I could get through this. Don't let them see you. So weak. So broken. 

I'm sure there were many other instances, but another one I remember was the train ride. Carissa and I were on the metro. The car swayed peacefully, and she and I were reliving our relaxing day at the beach. My earphones were in, and I was listening to a random playlist. Then, without warning, it played. The tears pricked my eyes just as quickly as the song started. She must have caught a glimpse of my face because she asked if I was okay, Her voice sounded miles away. I didn't know how to answer, so I just nodded. "Are you crying?" She asked.

We were standing outside, it was crowded and hot as hell. The irritation was already very prominent in both of our guts. That's when I heard it. The electric guitar. I cocked my head toward the stage in disbelief. "No. They can't do this!" I almost screamed to Carissa. I felt my heart break into a million pieces. I had to leave. I HATED him for that. Pure shock, anger, disbelief and more than anything, pain shot through me. That was a sacred song, and now it was being played like some hot record. I didn't know what to do. I just walked away, fighting the tears and ignoring the stares.

And after a week has passed, after doing so well... It happened again. Tonight, I can hear the intro to the empty arena version of the song...my song. And I'm sure you know what'll happen next...

Sweet Tea Wednesday

So, it's been a while since i've posted, but i've been living in my head. Today was Sweet Tea Wednesday, and Carissa and I spent it at her grandmother's. The day started off kind of crappy, I had a migraine and cramps. I knew the second that I walked into school that I couldn't be there. The bright lights, the people, the scent, just the though of knowing that I had to plaster a smile on my face and repeat the words "I'm okay" all day gave me the chills. Luckily, Carissa was by my side and we walked over to the college together. I wasn't expecting to tell her most of the things that I did, but it felt nice knowing that she was there. It's hard for me to express myself because i've never been allowed to. Talking to her today was nice, but it brought back a lot of emotions and memories that I know I buried for a reason. Sometimes I get scared that they will kill me one day. I finally decided to muster up the courage to call a counselor, so we shall see how that goes. I am hoping that I can get over these demons, and that I don't lose anyone in the process. Some things are just better left unsaid, hopefully things don't change between us because honestly? we've barely even scraped the surface.
When we reached Grandma Donna's, we went upstairs and watched Youtube videos and looked through old photo albums. It makes me happy to have those memories shared with me and to feel so welcome. When we got downstairs we ate and watched TV. The whole morning and afternoon was just relaxing and nothing felt forced. I didn't have to be someone that I'm not. When we left, we got our sweet tea and I came home. It's good to know that days like these exist.

Time

Time... Such a beautiful obstacle. While many of us fall victim to time's merciless clutches, others grab time by the balls and teach it who's boss. I love time, but I hate it. This might be my last semester with a lot of people that I've grown to care for. This is my last semester at JFK. No more free periods, spontaneous adventures, or even "personal days". I'll admit, I'll miss it like crazy, but everything happens for a reason. This November, college applications are due. This time next year I'll know my fate, and I'll be ready to start a life all on my own. Even though I may never know who will be in my life at that time, I do know that I've tried to soak up and devour every good(and bad) moment I've had with the ones I hold near and dear. Love. Don't. Die.
~30th post

Five Words

Yesterday, I felt like my body was being run over by a steam roller and my throat felt like fire ants were running through it. My kidneys were hurting and my muscles felt tense. When I got home from school, my body was still throbbing and my head felt like it was on the verge of exploding. I walked to my room and rinsed my face. I felt myself cough, and I saw blood in the sink. I walked to my moms room and I heard myself tell her that I didn't feel well. She asked for my symptoms, and told me to go take Motrin. When I got to the medicine cabinet, my hand hovered over the Motrin. Instead of taking that, I grabbed 2 muscle relaxers. I threw my phone on the nightstand and waited for the drugs to kick in. I looked over to the clock and it glowed 6:30. My parents were watching "Dateline" from the couch. I was half listening to the case, but I knew that the one being convicted was innocent. What a waste. After a while, my eyelids were getting heavy, and I felt my body slip away. Is this what death feels like? I didn't feel myself dream. All I could feel was darkness and silence. It felt so good, euphoric. I was in my happy place. By the end, I had to will myself to wake up. I had to open my eyes dammit. I was fighting myself because this amazing darkness just felt so good! When I opened my eyes, the clock glowed 11:36. I had slept 17 hours! When I grabbed my phone, I saw a lot of notifications: missed calls, snapchats, texts, Pinterest alerts. I opened a text and I read the five words on the screen: I feel like giving up. I felt the exact same way. I didn't know how to reply and I felt like absolute crap because I didn't know how to help. I've thought those five words before, and even at that moment I heard them echo through my mind...