Anxiety

Everything was going great. We laughed and joked, but then I saw him. I saw his face, his smile and I choked on air. My heart hit up agains my chest. My breath caught in my throat as if somebody had their hand gripped tightly around my neck. But you do. You have that hold on me. I don't know you. You don't know me. But somehow I can't seem to let you go. I'd like to get to know you someday and hear your side of the story. I want to know WHY. What happened hurt me and it still grips me to my core. My insides are twisted into confusing knots. Tears are stinging behind my eyes. I sit here with my heart beating faster and faster each second as if it is about to leap right out of my body. My fingers are flying across the screen as a mixture of emotions floods in and overwhelms my brain to the point of explosion and yet! I don't know why. My hands are shaking. My head is pounding. My lip is quivering. I can't take it. It's too much. I can't do it. I'm not strong enough. Maybe if you were here I would be strong. What would things be like? Would I be happier? As my last shred of  what seemed like happiness 5 minutes ago flutters slowly to the floor, my sweaty hands stop shaking. My heart beat steadies and I decide to sit here and just say: happy birthday Freddy. Or dad? Or whatever your name is.
Love, a heartbroken child with a deprived childhood

I am ME

I am who I am. And I do what I do. I love the people that come in and out of my life because they each teach me new things about myself. This has been a tough year for me. There have been tears and screaming an yelling but in the end I'm still me. I try not to make the same mistakes twice but hey, what can I say? I'm only human. I'm only me. We may think as we sit in a chair in a room in a house in a town in a city in a county in a state in a country on a continent in this world that we are worthless, but I know my future is bright. It's a matter of whether or not ill make it. As I sit here letting these words flow out of me through my fingers and onto this screen like emotional diarrhea I am contemplating whether or not I should get up and grab that bottle and take those four pain killers. Or if that ceiling fan could hold a rope with my lifeless body hanging from it. But no, I have to much to live for. If anything it would be the little boy that I breathe for each day. I love him and he needs me. But what people don't understand is I am me. I can only be me. I don't follow but I do lead (or at least I try to) but how does one continue to be them self if all odds are against them. When everything is falling down all around you and that bottle of pills is calling your name can you be you? Can I be me?
-unsigned

Confused

There is nothing I hate more than not being in control of my own emotions. Although leaving is something I'm sure of, I feel kind of empty and I feel like I'm going into this with a blindfold on. I don't know what to expect. I don't want to lose her. Sometimes I feel like she is my sanity walking right by me and when I need to I can grab her and laugh with her and argue with her and cry to her. No matter what she is always there but she is just a little out of my reach. She is my sanity. She is my best friend. I don't want to lose her. Again. I feel like she brings the best out I me. And I feel like a better person when she is with me. I don't want us to grow apart. I don't want our lives to change. I don't want to be confused. I don't want to lose her.
Love, my insecurities

Last thoughts

I'm laying in bed, ready for sleep. But why won't it come? My mind is racing 1 million miles an hour! Every face every thought every encounter bouncing off of the walls of my mind. My best friend and the way I envy her. The man I hoped to love. My little brother advancing in his life and growing each day. But what have I done? Have I left an imprint on anyone's life? Will anyone cry when I'm gone? Will they rejoice? Will they even miss me? These are the questions I ask myself as I shimmy down And cuddle my stuffed unicorn close. I want to cry. The overwhelming real ness of these thoughts suffocating me and stealing each and every drop of my very being.  This. Is. Why. Sleep. Won't. Come.
Love, my insomniac Alter ego

Was it real?

The day I met you, we talked for 8 hours straight. You watched as my friend and I immaturely pranced around my room. We laughed and talked all night into the wee hours of he morning. None of us cared about sleep. At first it was the three of us. Then it was us two. This was in December. We would talk daily. Your pearly white teeth. Curly brown hair. Your Carmel skin that looked so smooth to the touch. Your muscles perfectly toned. You looked just as happy as I to sit and log on. Hours upon hours of conversation about our futures and you listening to stories of my past. I remember the day I told you I had a crush on you I said: "(your name here)? I think I have a crush on you" and you laughed and said: " you know what mic? I think I have a crush on you too!" And that was the day my heart filled with happiness. But now that is just a faint memory of an afternoon in February. Why do I miss you so? Too bad you live so far away. As the tears well in my eyes I just have to remember the days when you'd comfort me and say " don't worry mic. I like you" and guess what? I'm still in like with you too.

"Minor Side Effects"

• Nausea 
• Abdominal Cramping
• Occasional bleeding
• Irritability
• Headaches
• "increased sex drive"

Has anyone ever took the time to read the side effects? Sometimes the "minor" side effects are worse than what they should be curing. Should we run? Should we be afraid? What are the side effects of life? (or lack there of)

• Depression 
• Suicide 
• Hard Labor
• Love
• Hate 
• Suffering
• Nausea
• Death

So... maybe we should change our prescription...or are we going to suffer through 9 more months of minor side effects?
love, my hormones

We are ONE. Not two.

We are one. Not two. This is our Earth. As the smoke clears and the clouds part the sun shines. All is well. We are one. Not two. It is us. But versus who? We mustn't lower ourselves to their standards. Ew. We are different. Original. Define originality? Well that's easy. It's being one! Not two. How DARE you judge me when I don't even know you ! But do you know you? Are you questioning your identity? Come. Be one with me.
-love, my jumbled thoughts