Time

Time... Such a beautiful obstacle. While many of us fall victim to time's merciless clutches, others grab time by the balls and teach it who's boss. I love time, but I hate it. This might be my last semester with a lot of people that I've grown to care for. This is my last semester at JFK. No more free periods, spontaneous adventures, or even "personal days". I'll admit, I'll miss it like crazy, but everything happens for a reason. This November, college applications are due. This time next year I'll know my fate, and I'll be ready to start a life all on my own. Even though I may never know who will be in my life at that time, I do know that I've tried to soak up and devour every good(and bad) moment I've had with the ones I hold near and dear. Love. Don't. Die.
~30th post

Five Words

Yesterday, I felt like my body was being run over by a steam roller and my throat felt like fire ants were running through it. My kidneys were hurting and my muscles felt tense. When I got home from school, my body was still throbbing and my head felt like it was on the verge of exploding. I walked to my room and rinsed my face. I felt myself cough, and I saw blood in the sink. I walked to my moms room and I heard myself tell her that I didn't feel well. She asked for my symptoms, and told me to go take Motrin. When I got to the medicine cabinet, my hand hovered over the Motrin. Instead of taking that, I grabbed 2 muscle relaxers. I threw my phone on the nightstand and waited for the drugs to kick in. I looked over to the clock and it glowed 6:30. My parents were watching "Dateline" from the couch. I was half listening to the case, but I knew that the one being convicted was innocent. What a waste. After a while, my eyelids were getting heavy, and I felt my body slip away. Is this what death feels like? I didn't feel myself dream. All I could feel was darkness and silence. It felt so good, euphoric. I was in my happy place. By the end, I had to will myself to wake up. I had to open my eyes dammit. I was fighting myself because this amazing darkness just felt so good! When I opened my eyes, the clock glowed 11:36. I had slept 17 hours! When I grabbed my phone, I saw a lot of notifications: missed calls, snapchats, texts, Pinterest alerts. I opened a text and I read the five words on the screen: I feel like giving up. I felt the exact same way. I didn't know how to reply and I felt like absolute crap because I didn't know how to help. I've thought those five words before, and even at that moment I heard them echo through my mind...

Only Human

So, I just got off of the phone with my grandmother. We spoke for 2 hours! There were no pauses, and we even caught ourselves talking over each other at moments. That woman, she has so much love inside of her that it just bubbles out and envelops it's victims in big embraces of happiness and joy. I can't help but have a smile on my face when I talk to her. Of course we disagree on some things and she gets on my nerves but she can't help it. She's only human! It just makes me cry sometimes that I love her so much. She makes me happy, and gives me hope. She told me that it's going to okay. And that I have a wonderful life ahead of me because I'm getting rid of all of the bad things right now. She's the one that taught me to give things to God and to not pester him. God knows, he has perfect timing. He may not be there when you want Him, but He always watches out for us. She told me that I don't have to hide my tears, and that what I'm going through right now is all a test that prepares me for the life that's ahead of me. My happy tears are just flowing because I've missed her so. I really wish we could see each other more often, but I needed this. I needed this nice long talk to bring me back to life. To show me that I'm still here, whether I want to be or not. I'm here, but I'm not here to exist. I am here to live. I'm here to be what my grandma is for me for someone else. Even though I get temperamental and hormonal, I only mean the best not realizing that I'm not superman. I can't help everyone(especially those who don't want it). But in the words of RuPaul and maybe some other great person before him..."if you can't love yourself, how the hell are you gonna love someone else!?" After all... We are all only human.