Last Week

Last week, I took my brother to the water park and he had a BLAST!
Last week, I went to the movies with my best friend, we climbed trees, and we had an amazing time.
Last week, I made pants and a skirt from a bed sheet.
Last week, I met a new cousin from Nigeria.
Last week, I re-connected with someone that I once called my best friend. We talked for hours in my front yard and we laughed and reminisced. We are close again.
Last week, I re-connected with someone else that I once called my best friend, and that ended in tears.
Last week, I fell out of love. My heart was ripped from my chest and I realized how little I am worth to some people.
Last week, I lost someone that was very close to my family. She lived 2 doors from my grandparents for almost 30 years. And now she is gone.( RIP Grandma)
Last week, the world lost 2 influential public figures. ( RIP Cory Monteith, RIP Talia Castellano)
Last week, I cried for hours in my room until I couldn't cry any longer.
Last week, I realized who is truly there for me when I need them.
Last week, I made a new friend.
Last week, someone unexpected told me that they might be in love with me.
Saturday, I attended a 50th wedding anniversary. That gave me hope that true love exists.
Also on Saturday, my dad and cousin got into a a car accident. Their vehicle flipped 6 times, and the police officer said it was a miracle that they walked away with a few bumps and bruises.
Yesterday, my cousin celebrated her 15th birthday.
Today, my period is 6 days late, I've thrown up once so far, I'm in pain, I'm numb, and I want to die.
Love,
This emotional roller coaster that I call life

Genuine Happiness

Yesterday was an amazing day. Being with my best friend always makes me happy! We just GET each other. Friendships like this are very rare, but I'm happy I've got one. I love our crazy freak out moments, climbing trees, partying In the backseat of cars, teasing strangers, stalking boys, and everything in between!!! Even though my summer has been pretty rough so far, I know my best friend is here to help me through it and I love her to death for it!!

Love always, 

Happy me ! :)

Just. A. Dream. Or was it?

Okay. So I woke up this morning drenched in sweat! I was panting and my heart was beating a mile a minute. I layed here for a second and just thought. What did I dream about ? Okay. Here goes:
My best friend, Carissa and I were walking down this main road. But it didn't look like our town, it was very urban. We looked the same age that we are now, so it couldn't have been that far into the future. There was no sound. Only semi-slow motion movement. Carissa kept holding my arm as if she were steadying me or protecting me. It was kind of weird. When we got to the beach, we found the perfect spot and took of our cover-ups to reveal our bathing suits. Carissa's body was perfect as usual but when I looked down I looked so fat! But just in my stomach. It was odd. She looked down and rubbed my belly and smiled, then I started to say something and looked down and also put my Hand on my belly. Then I put one over my belly and one under. That's when I knew. How could I be pregnant!! I'm 16. I'm on the pill! I've never even had a boyfriend! What was going on! I looked about 4 months pregnant! So we started laughing and I started tearing up like the loser I am. Then Carissa smacked me and we raced to the water. Yes pregnant me raced to the water. Stupid. Okay so fast forward to later on. Carissa answered the phone and I could make out the words "doctor". I looked worried. So she grabbed her keys and walked out the door and i followed her out. She made another call before we got to the car. She started speeding to the hospital. When we finally arrived I kissed some guy! He was tall and he had curly hair and a lighter complexion. When we were done Carissa gave him a big hug and we walked to the doctors office. When we got there we shook hands with the doctor and sat. He shuffled some papers and looked at each of us with a look of disbelieve with a twinge of curiosity in his eye. When he started talking, the boy was arguing with him as if there was a mistake. He got angrier and angrier and he got up and punched he wall! I got up to comfort him and I went over to the doctor and pointed at my purity ring. I screamed "But I'm a virgin!"  The doctor put his hands up symbolizing he was giving up. And he walked out of the room. I sat in the chair and cried. And the boy was in the corner. Covering his face with his hands. Carissa sat with her jaw almost to the floor. Once she recovered, she got up and put her arms around me. As I continued to cry, I looked up at carissa and screamed "why!?" And then I woke up. That was a crazy dream! And I am still freaking out. What did it mean!?

It's back

So. These feelings. This darkness that washes over me is back. It's back with a vengeance. I ignored it the first time, and now I have to pay. I don't want to get out of bed in the morning. Close the shades, turn off the sun, give me my blankets and GO AWAY. I want to stay in my pjs. I don't want to eat. I want to cry. And wallow. I want to listen to my music. I want to be left alone. Why do you keep trying to wake me up! Or rather why aren't you trying? (Metaphorically speaking) wake me up from this depression please! I don't want to be depressed. I'm tired of lying to my friends, my family and most of all myself! "I'm okay" I want someone to say "no, you're not okay. But I want to help make you feel okay. Okay?" I want to leave. I want to forget the horrible things that have happened. I want to be able to tell someone. Someone that cares. And I want to just sit in their arms and cry. A really good cry. And afterwards take a hot shower and never think about these things again! I don't want to forget, but I don't want to look in the mirror everyday and be reminded. Please stop trying to change me. There's a difference between trying to help make someone better, and doing things because you know you'll benefit from them. Well guess what? Ill let you. Because I'm weak and I've come to terms with it, but ill let you take it. But you better believe when I'm gone I'm taking everything back with a smile on my face.

Numb

Right now I am numb. I'm neither hot nor cold. I'm neither up nor down. I'm not happy or sad. I'm emotionless. Motionless stuck in this realm. I don't know whether I should laugh or cry. I don't know whether I want to live or die. I'm just here. I am awake but I'm tired. I want to be happy. I do. It is right there. The happiness that I speak of Is the hope I am reaching for. It is right there. Just an in ch away from my grasp. It's not that I'm unhappy. And it's not that I am ungrateful. I just want to be able to let go. I want to live. I want to be ALLOWED to live. I want to let my hair down. I want to go on adventures. Being alone and confined leaves room for the mind to wander.  It leaves room for the mind to create unrealistic scenarios for you to worry about. Right now, my mind is blank. My earphones are in. And my music is playing. Sometimes music takes me to my happy place. But right now. I don't need my happy place. What I need is to feel. 

In a trance ૐ

Journey in Himalaya by Dj Alphatrance ૐ
This is the music I like. Plug in your earphones and let the trance take over like a fleece blanket in the winter time. Feel the notes. Taste them.

With you on my mind

So, I'm laying here with him on my mind. I'm sleepy but my eyes won't shut and my mind won't rest! All I see are pages and pages of our messages. I can see your face and your smile and just you. Me. Us. Why are you always on my mind!? Why do I feel this way about you? Who are you? Who am I? All of these questions remain unanswered. But at the moment I'm torn. Torn between the decision of letting this (whatever this is) go on and ending it. I have real feelings for you. You are constantly on my mind and you are always in my dreams. Why am I so crazy about you? I don't like teasing myself with things I can't have. You are the chocolate cake when I'm on a diet. You're the cookie that is just out of my reach. You're my Ferrari.Why do I have these feelings for you? Why am I under your spell? Please God explain to me what I have done to deserve this? For 3 years I have been asking "if it be your will, please send me someone that I can spend the rest of my life with. Send me someone special so that I won't fall into the footsteps of so many others" but you sent me him. You sent me him an he's so far away! Hundreds of thousands of miles away! And I can't have him.

New Beginnings

I'm tired of being pitiful. I am tired of moping. Now is the time for me to make a decision. I have a family that loves me and a best friend that cares about me. Even though I know things won't change, I can change the way I react to them. For 11 years I have been stuck. I have been stuck with someone who knew they had a hold on me, and they knew how to manipulate me, and to make me fear them. Today this has to stop. Today I have made the decision to change the way that I look at life. I am tired of being unhappy, and I am tired of having a negative outlook on life. Although I am 16 years old, I have come to terms with the fact that in 2 years I will be able to make my own decisions. Today my horoscope read: "It's time to catch up with someone close-- though that may be easier said than done. Try not to worry too much about the outcome of the conversation. Just start talking and the good stuff will come." I believe a horoscope is there to guide you and you are supposed to interpret it and apply it to your daily living. This horoscope was especially important because a few days ago I reconnected with someone I thought I had lost forever. My best friend believes that I am in love with him, but I am not so sure that I believe in love just yet. I also don't know if I can be in love with someone that I know I can't be with, but then again that is a negative thought. Maybe I do love him, maybe the butterflies that I get in my stomach are from seeing his face, but even so, will I ever be able to be in his arms? Will he ever be able to wipe my tears away? One day I hope to be able to show him these posts so he can know the way that I truly feel about him, but until that day I will keep it tucked away into a corner of my heart. He may not feel the same, actually I am positive he doesn't feel the same, but it is okay because life goes on. And as my life progresses and I develop into the best me that I can be, I will always remember that the only way to know what the fruit tastes like is to take a bite!
Love,
the first steps to a greater me

Suffocation

Twisted. Contorted. Belittled. Dehumanized. That is how I feel right now. You can see my heart beating. Pounding as if it is about to leap right through my chest. It's running. Racing. My face is warm. My palms are sweating. My hands are shaking. The tears are begging to be released. My throat is constricted and feels as if a hot iron has been shoved down it. My brain is on the verge of exploding and I need to get out. Everywhere I turn I'm trapped. I'm stuck in this thing called life. And if I end it I am "selfish" I feel conflicted. "Stuck between a rock and a hard place" who do I call on? No one would hear me. No one is here to listen. Only to judge. And ready to consume me in their words of hate. I can only be me. And I'm trying the best I can! But every time i look up my words are twisted. The evil glares burn through my soul. The lies and the deceit are everywhere. Your empty "I love you"s and the "oh you are so pretty"s must stop. But please hear me when I say I'm done. I'm done with the lies and the hurt. And you twisting my words. Don't treat me like a child or I will act like one. And please hear me when I say. Those scars on my wrist aren't from falling.
Love,
A girl who'd "rather feel pain than nothing at all"