It's back

So. These feelings. This darkness that washes over me is back. It's back with a vengeance. I ignored it the first time, and now I have to pay. I don't want to get out of bed in the morning. Close the shades, turn off the sun, give me my blankets and GO AWAY. I want to stay in my pjs. I don't want to eat. I want to cry. And wallow. I want to listen to my music. I want to be left alone. Why do you keep trying to wake me up! Or rather why aren't you trying? (Metaphorically speaking) wake me up from this depression please! I don't want to be depressed. I'm tired of lying to my friends, my family and most of all myself! "I'm okay" I want someone to say "no, you're not okay. But I want to help make you feel okay. Okay?" I want to leave. I want to forget the horrible things that have happened. I want to be able to tell someone. Someone that cares. And I want to just sit in their arms and cry. A really good cry. And afterwards take a hot shower and never think about these things again! I don't want to forget, but I don't want to look in the mirror everyday and be reminded. Please stop trying to change me. There's a difference between trying to help make someone better, and doing things because you know you'll benefit from them. Well guess what? Ill let you. Because I'm weak and I've come to terms with it, but ill let you take it. But you better believe when I'm gone I'm taking everything back with a smile on my face.