My First

You know how people say when you are dying, your life flashes before your eyes? Well, I don't think I'm dying or anything, but with all the crap that's been going on I welcome death. I had a dream the other night. He was in it. I haven't had thoughts about him since August. We were older. And I looked so happy. It wasn't a fake happy, but a genuine euphoria to be alive, and with the man I love. I don't know why I can't get over him. I don't know why he's still on my mind... But maybe I don't want him to go? He gives me hope. Hope that one day I'll know those feelings of euphoria.
Love,
Confusion. Exhaustion. Drugs. Sadness. Loss

Confidence

You're so confident in the way you walk and the way you talk. You're so sure of yourself. You don't let anything phase you. I'm just a broken child. I can put on a smile and accept your compliments politely but I'll still be sitting here, plain ole boring ole me. I miss the way I used to be. Happy and carefree. Or is it as you said? Ignorance is bliss. I sure hope so. Can I just be you for a day? You jump out of your skin and I jump in. I want to be someone else. Escape "her" for a day. Maybe I'll be happy? What do you say?

Four words

All. Hope. Is. Lost.

Stripy tights and tutus

Have you ever gotten up in the morning and felt this extreme flood of happiness? Well I have, and I did this morning. I'm so excited for the Journey tribute tonight, it's Friday, I cut a Mickey Mouse shirt and I LOVE it !! And I don't know, maybe it just one of those days that you have convinced yourself that nothing will get you down! I don't know how long this will last, but honestly? I don't care!! I found the perfect playlist, some pink lipstick,  I have my my beanie on and my earphones in. I'm ready to take on this Friday so who's with me!?
Love,
my unknown reasons for being happy, but i dont care because this is rare and i also doesn't know who i am talking to but i also don't  care

Lost

I can't tell if I'm happy. Nothing bad happened. No one did anything to me, but I keep getting these waves of unhappiness that come of as anger. I can't handle my emotions right now and it's really bothersome. This morning I woke up feeling lost. Almost as if someone else was living my life without me. I had a dream last night, but I can't remember what it was. I know it was important because I've felt empty all day. I know that my dream could have even been a vision. Possibly even a message from God? I can feel myself changing day to day, but I'm not sure i like the person I'm becoming. Since starting JFK, I've noticed that I've had to bite my tongue a lot and sometimes even be fake to make friends, but is that who I want I to be? Who am I trying to impress? What am I doing? Why should it matter who I talk to? Honestly as long as I've got my best friend by my side, I'm good. Why am I all of a sudden questioning things that I've so frequently overlooked in the past? This is bothering me

Love, 

My broken internal compass

Goodbye Summer!!

Goodbye summer! It's been grand! From saving lives in Boston to livin it up with my best friend, this summer has been great! It's obviously had its ups and downs, but that's expected right? Tomorrow I start at a new school!! I'm so anxious that I can't even sleep, it's ridiculous. I'm just happy I'll have my hero by my side! I know we will kick butt this year and I can't wait. I won't make this too long because I should be getting to bed, but I just want to take this time to thank my best friend for telling me about this opportunity, thank my parents for allowing it, and thank God for giving me the ability to make my dreams come true. Until next time!!!
Love,
My first day of school jitters

Clarification

Okay y'all, yesterday something was said that really hit a nerve with me. So this year I am changing schools, I'm leaving behind people that I've known as long as 6 years! I'm leaving this school because I feel that I could be more successful somewhere else. Im not leaving to follow my best friend and I'm not leaving because I hate the school. I'm a big girl and I make big girl decisions so that I can get to where I want and be successful In life. I love my best friend! She means a lot to me, but I don't make decisions for her, and she doesn't make decisions for me. That's all!
Love,
My frustrations

Shunned

Today has been pretty crappy to say the least. I yelled at my mom today. Here's why: My family like shunned my grandmas sister for all this psychotic crap that she's done that I don't know about nor do I want to know. But I just remember her always taking care of me and truly loving me. And she wants to see me and I want to see her and my mom keeps giving me reasons why I can't and I just literally snapped and talked back to my mom for the first time !
Mom: do you even know what she did? To grandma grandpa dad and me?
Me: no and I don't want to know!
Mom: so you don't care?
Me: mom it's not that I don't care. I just don't want to know because it'll ruin my image of her
Mom: and what is that image?
Me: SOMEONE THAT ACTUALLY LOVED ME SO CAN WE DROP IT?!
Mom: fine, I won't tell you
I'm having bad thoughts that I can't come to terms with. Wouldn't you like to know my bad thought

Last Week

Last week, I took my brother to the water park and he had a BLAST!
Last week, I went to the movies with my best friend, we climbed trees, and we had an amazing time.
Last week, I made pants and a skirt from a bed sheet.
Last week, I met a new cousin from Nigeria.
Last week, I re-connected with someone that I once called my best friend. We talked for hours in my front yard and we laughed and reminisced. We are close again.
Last week, I re-connected with someone else that I once called my best friend, and that ended in tears.
Last week, I fell out of love. My heart was ripped from my chest and I realized how little I am worth to some people.
Last week, I lost someone that was very close to my family. She lived 2 doors from my grandparents for almost 30 years. And now she is gone.( RIP Grandma)
Last week, the world lost 2 influential public figures. ( RIP Cory Monteith, RIP Talia Castellano)
Last week, I cried for hours in my room until I couldn't cry any longer.
Last week, I realized who is truly there for me when I need them.
Last week, I made a new friend.
Last week, someone unexpected told me that they might be in love with me.
Saturday, I attended a 50th wedding anniversary. That gave me hope that true love exists.
Also on Saturday, my dad and cousin got into a a car accident. Their vehicle flipped 6 times, and the police officer said it was a miracle that they walked away with a few bumps and bruises.
Yesterday, my cousin celebrated her 15th birthday.
Today, my period is 6 days late, I've thrown up once so far, I'm in pain, I'm numb, and I want to die.
Love,
This emotional roller coaster that I call life

Genuine Happiness

Yesterday was an amazing day. Being with my best friend always makes me happy! We just GET each other. Friendships like this are very rare, but I'm happy I've got one. I love our crazy freak out moments, climbing trees, partying In the backseat of cars, teasing strangers, stalking boys, and everything in between!!! Even though my summer has been pretty rough so far, I know my best friend is here to help me through it and I love her to death for it!!

Love always, 

Happy me ! :)

Just. A. Dream. Or was it?

Okay. So I woke up this morning drenched in sweat! I was panting and my heart was beating a mile a minute. I layed here for a second and just thought. What did I dream about ? Okay. Here goes:
My best friend, Carissa and I were walking down this main road. But it didn't look like our town, it was very urban. We looked the same age that we are now, so it couldn't have been that far into the future. There was no sound. Only semi-slow motion movement. Carissa kept holding my arm as if she were steadying me or protecting me. It was kind of weird. When we got to the beach, we found the perfect spot and took of our cover-ups to reveal our bathing suits. Carissa's body was perfect as usual but when I looked down I looked so fat! But just in my stomach. It was odd. She looked down and rubbed my belly and smiled, then I started to say something and looked down and also put my Hand on my belly. Then I put one over my belly and one under. That's when I knew. How could I be pregnant!! I'm 16. I'm on the pill! I've never even had a boyfriend! What was going on! I looked about 4 months pregnant! So we started laughing and I started tearing up like the loser I am. Then Carissa smacked me and we raced to the water. Yes pregnant me raced to the water. Stupid. Okay so fast forward to later on. Carissa answered the phone and I could make out the words "doctor". I looked worried. So she grabbed her keys and walked out the door and i followed her out. She made another call before we got to the car. She started speeding to the hospital. When we finally arrived I kissed some guy! He was tall and he had curly hair and a lighter complexion. When we were done Carissa gave him a big hug and we walked to the doctors office. When we got there we shook hands with the doctor and sat. He shuffled some papers and looked at each of us with a look of disbelieve with a twinge of curiosity in his eye. When he started talking, the boy was arguing with him as if there was a mistake. He got angrier and angrier and he got up and punched he wall! I got up to comfort him and I went over to the doctor and pointed at my purity ring. I screamed "But I'm a virgin!"  The doctor put his hands up symbolizing he was giving up. And he walked out of the room. I sat in the chair and cried. And the boy was in the corner. Covering his face with his hands. Carissa sat with her jaw almost to the floor. Once she recovered, she got up and put her arms around me. As I continued to cry, I looked up at carissa and screamed "why!?" And then I woke up. That was a crazy dream! And I am still freaking out. What did it mean!?

It's back

So. These feelings. This darkness that washes over me is back. It's back with a vengeance. I ignored it the first time, and now I have to pay. I don't want to get out of bed in the morning. Close the shades, turn off the sun, give me my blankets and GO AWAY. I want to stay in my pjs. I don't want to eat. I want to cry. And wallow. I want to listen to my music. I want to be left alone. Why do you keep trying to wake me up! Or rather why aren't you trying? (Metaphorically speaking) wake me up from this depression please! I don't want to be depressed. I'm tired of lying to my friends, my family and most of all myself! "I'm okay" I want someone to say "no, you're not okay. But I want to help make you feel okay. Okay?" I want to leave. I want to forget the horrible things that have happened. I want to be able to tell someone. Someone that cares. And I want to just sit in their arms and cry. A really good cry. And afterwards take a hot shower and never think about these things again! I don't want to forget, but I don't want to look in the mirror everyday and be reminded. Please stop trying to change me. There's a difference between trying to help make someone better, and doing things because you know you'll benefit from them. Well guess what? Ill let you. Because I'm weak and I've come to terms with it, but ill let you take it. But you better believe when I'm gone I'm taking everything back with a smile on my face.

Numb

Right now I am numb. I'm neither hot nor cold. I'm neither up nor down. I'm not happy or sad. I'm emotionless. Motionless stuck in this realm. I don't know whether I should laugh or cry. I don't know whether I want to live or die. I'm just here. I am awake but I'm tired. I want to be happy. I do. It is right there. The happiness that I speak of Is the hope I am reaching for. It is right there. Just an in ch away from my grasp. It's not that I'm unhappy. And it's not that I am ungrateful. I just want to be able to let go. I want to live. I want to be ALLOWED to live. I want to let my hair down. I want to go on adventures. Being alone and confined leaves room for the mind to wander.  It leaves room for the mind to create unrealistic scenarios for you to worry about. Right now, my mind is blank. My earphones are in. And my music is playing. Sometimes music takes me to my happy place. But right now. I don't need my happy place. What I need is to feel. 

In a trance ૐ

Journey in Himalaya by Dj Alphatrance ૐ
This is the music I like. Plug in your earphones and let the trance take over like a fleece blanket in the winter time. Feel the notes. Taste them.

With you on my mind

So, I'm laying here with him on my mind. I'm sleepy but my eyes won't shut and my mind won't rest! All I see are pages and pages of our messages. I can see your face and your smile and just you. Me. Us. Why are you always on my mind!? Why do I feel this way about you? Who are you? Who am I? All of these questions remain unanswered. But at the moment I'm torn. Torn between the decision of letting this (whatever this is) go on and ending it. I have real feelings for you. You are constantly on my mind and you are always in my dreams. Why am I so crazy about you? I don't like teasing myself with things I can't have. You are the chocolate cake when I'm on a diet. You're the cookie that is just out of my reach. You're my Ferrari.Why do I have these feelings for you? Why am I under your spell? Please God explain to me what I have done to deserve this? For 3 years I have been asking "if it be your will, please send me someone that I can spend the rest of my life with. Send me someone special so that I won't fall into the footsteps of so many others" but you sent me him. You sent me him an he's so far away! Hundreds of thousands of miles away! And I can't have him.

New Beginnings

I'm tired of being pitiful. I am tired of moping. Now is the time for me to make a decision. I have a family that loves me and a best friend that cares about me. Even though I know things won't change, I can change the way I react to them. For 11 years I have been stuck. I have been stuck with someone who knew they had a hold on me, and they knew how to manipulate me, and to make me fear them. Today this has to stop. Today I have made the decision to change the way that I look at life. I am tired of being unhappy, and I am tired of having a negative outlook on life. Although I am 16 years old, I have come to terms with the fact that in 2 years I will be able to make my own decisions. Today my horoscope read: "It's time to catch up with someone close-- though that may be easier said than done. Try not to worry too much about the outcome of the conversation. Just start talking and the good stuff will come." I believe a horoscope is there to guide you and you are supposed to interpret it and apply it to your daily living. This horoscope was especially important because a few days ago I reconnected with someone I thought I had lost forever. My best friend believes that I am in love with him, but I am not so sure that I believe in love just yet. I also don't know if I can be in love with someone that I know I can't be with, but then again that is a negative thought. Maybe I do love him, maybe the butterflies that I get in my stomach are from seeing his face, but even so, will I ever be able to be in his arms? Will he ever be able to wipe my tears away? One day I hope to be able to show him these posts so he can know the way that I truly feel about him, but until that day I will keep it tucked away into a corner of my heart. He may not feel the same, actually I am positive he doesn't feel the same, but it is okay because life goes on. And as my life progresses and I develop into the best me that I can be, I will always remember that the only way to know what the fruit tastes like is to take a bite!
Love,
the first steps to a greater me

Suffocation

Twisted. Contorted. Belittled. Dehumanized. That is how I feel right now. You can see my heart beating. Pounding as if it is about to leap right through my chest. It's running. Racing. My face is warm. My palms are sweating. My hands are shaking. The tears are begging to be released. My throat is constricted and feels as if a hot iron has been shoved down it. My brain is on the verge of exploding and I need to get out. Everywhere I turn I'm trapped. I'm stuck in this thing called life. And if I end it I am "selfish" I feel conflicted. "Stuck between a rock and a hard place" who do I call on? No one would hear me. No one is here to listen. Only to judge. And ready to consume me in their words of hate. I can only be me. And I'm trying the best I can! But every time i look up my words are twisted. The evil glares burn through my soul. The lies and the deceit are everywhere. Your empty "I love you"s and the "oh you are so pretty"s must stop. But please hear me when I say I'm done. I'm done with the lies and the hurt. And you twisting my words. Don't treat me like a child or I will act like one. And please hear me when I say. Those scars on my wrist aren't from falling.
Love,
A girl who'd "rather feel pain than nothing at all"

Knots

So I am waiting her. Patiently,yet anxiously. My insides are in knots and the cold sweat is beginning to gather on my neck. I am waiting. Waiting to board this plane to Phoenix and then to Boston. I'm going on an adventure. But please dear God! Make these knots go away!!!
Love, my anxious body

Anxiety

Everything was going great. We laughed and joked, but then I saw him. I saw his face, his smile and I choked on air. My heart hit up agains my chest. My breath caught in my throat as if somebody had their hand gripped tightly around my neck. But you do. You have that hold on me. I don't know you. You don't know me. But somehow I can't seem to let you go. I'd like to get to know you someday and hear your side of the story. I want to know WHY. What happened hurt me and it still grips me to my core. My insides are twisted into confusing knots. Tears are stinging behind my eyes. I sit here with my heart beating faster and faster each second as if it is about to leap right out of my body. My fingers are flying across the screen as a mixture of emotions floods in and overwhelms my brain to the point of explosion and yet! I don't know why. My hands are shaking. My head is pounding. My lip is quivering. I can't take it. It's too much. I can't do it. I'm not strong enough. Maybe if you were here I would be strong. What would things be like? Would I be happier? As my last shred of  what seemed like happiness 5 minutes ago flutters slowly to the floor, my sweaty hands stop shaking. My heart beat steadies and I decide to sit here and just say: happy birthday Freddy. Or dad? Or whatever your name is.
Love, a heartbroken child with a deprived childhood

I am ME

I am who I am. And I do what I do. I love the people that come in and out of my life because they each teach me new things about myself. This has been a tough year for me. There have been tears and screaming an yelling but in the end I'm still me. I try not to make the same mistakes twice but hey, what can I say? I'm only human. I'm only me. We may think as we sit in a chair in a room in a house in a town in a city in a county in a state in a country on a continent in this world that we are worthless, but I know my future is bright. It's a matter of whether or not ill make it. As I sit here letting these words flow out of me through my fingers and onto this screen like emotional diarrhea I am contemplating whether or not I should get up and grab that bottle and take those four pain killers. Or if that ceiling fan could hold a rope with my lifeless body hanging from it. But no, I have to much to live for. If anything it would be the little boy that I breathe for each day. I love him and he needs me. But what people don't understand is I am me. I can only be me. I don't follow but I do lead (or at least I try to) but how does one continue to be them self if all odds are against them. When everything is falling down all around you and that bottle of pills is calling your name can you be you? Can I be me?
-unsigned

Confused

There is nothing I hate more than not being in control of my own emotions. Although leaving is something I'm sure of, I feel kind of empty and I feel like I'm going into this with a blindfold on. I don't know what to expect. I don't want to lose her. Sometimes I feel like she is my sanity walking right by me and when I need to I can grab her and laugh with her and argue with her and cry to her. No matter what she is always there but she is just a little out of my reach. She is my sanity. She is my best friend. I don't want to lose her. Again. I feel like she brings the best out I me. And I feel like a better person when she is with me. I don't want us to grow apart. I don't want our lives to change. I don't want to be confused. I don't want to lose her.
Love, my insecurities

Last thoughts

I'm laying in bed, ready for sleep. But why won't it come? My mind is racing 1 million miles an hour! Every face every thought every encounter bouncing off of the walls of my mind. My best friend and the way I envy her. The man I hoped to love. My little brother advancing in his life and growing each day. But what have I done? Have I left an imprint on anyone's life? Will anyone cry when I'm gone? Will they rejoice? Will they even miss me? These are the questions I ask myself as I shimmy down And cuddle my stuffed unicorn close. I want to cry. The overwhelming real ness of these thoughts suffocating me and stealing each and every drop of my very being.  This. Is. Why. Sleep. Won't. Come.
Love, my insomniac Alter ego

Was it real?

The day I met you, we talked for 8 hours straight. You watched as my friend and I immaturely pranced around my room. We laughed and talked all night into the wee hours of he morning. None of us cared about sleep. At first it was the three of us. Then it was us two. This was in December. We would talk daily. Your pearly white teeth. Curly brown hair. Your Carmel skin that looked so smooth to the touch. Your muscles perfectly toned. You looked just as happy as I to sit and log on. Hours upon hours of conversation about our futures and you listening to stories of my past. I remember the day I told you I had a crush on you I said: "(your name here)? I think I have a crush on you" and you laughed and said: " you know what mic? I think I have a crush on you too!" And that was the day my heart filled with happiness. But now that is just a faint memory of an afternoon in February. Why do I miss you so? Too bad you live so far away. As the tears well in my eyes I just have to remember the days when you'd comfort me and say " don't worry mic. I like you" and guess what? I'm still in like with you too.

"Minor Side Effects"

• Nausea 
• Abdominal Cramping
• Occasional bleeding
• Irritability
• Headaches
• "increased sex drive"

Has anyone ever took the time to read the side effects? Sometimes the "minor" side effects are worse than what they should be curing. Should we run? Should we be afraid? What are the side effects of life? (or lack there of)

• Depression 
• Suicide 
• Hard Labor
• Love
• Hate 
• Suffering
• Nausea
• Death

So... maybe we should change our prescription...or are we going to suffer through 9 more months of minor side effects?
love, my hormones

We are ONE. Not two.

We are one. Not two. This is our Earth. As the smoke clears and the clouds part the sun shines. All is well. We are one. Not two. It is us. But versus who? We mustn't lower ourselves to their standards. Ew. We are different. Original. Define originality? Well that's easy. It's being one! Not two. How DARE you judge me when I don't even know you ! But do you know you? Are you questioning your identity? Come. Be one with me.
-love, my jumbled thoughts